


Scars of a war-torn, ravaged heart

by smaragdbird



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Jake and Nate talking about their feelings, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 12:33:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15663315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: After the end of the world is averted there’s a lot of rebuilding needed but also grieving for what they lost.





	Scars of a war-torn, ravaged heart

The day after Suresh’s funeral, the shatterdome was quiet. There was much to do, much to rebuild but for now everyone still needed time to grieve and deal with the numerous other deaths that had occurred during the almost-end of the world. Between Sydney, Tokyo and the Incursion both the PPDC and the whole pacific rim was in disarray.

When the kids had told him about Jinhai’s off-hand joke to Suresh, Jake and Nate had made sure that every available Jaeger was present for his funeral. It hadn’t been a hundred but enough to make for an impressive scene. Suresh had died trying to avert the end of the world, he deserved nothing less.

Jake hadn’t been to his father’s funeral, hadn’t even watched it on tv, but he hoped it had been similarly great. Nate had been there, he could probably tell him if Jake asked, which he didn’t. 

He hadn’t known Suresh very well so he had concentrated on organising the Jaegers and had left most of the actual funeral arrangements to Nate, who had also been the one to talk with Suresh’s family both at the funeral and before.

For his part Jake wished never having to go to another funeral ever again though he knew his wish would not come true. Nate had been right all along when he had said that the Precursors would not give up so easily. Even if they had stopped them two times now, they would come back. 

He was still thinking about all of this when the kids approached him. They had stuck together ever since Tokyo and he was happy to see Amara amongst them as if she had never been anywhere else.

“Sir”, Jake would probably need some more time to get used to getting called that. It was a good thing Amara had a wide array of less than flattering nicknames for him. She claimed she had to try them all out until she found the right one. 

“Yeah?” Jake asked and then amended, “I mean yes, what can I do for you?”

“I...we think you should talk to Ranger Lambert, sir”, Jinhai said. Behind him the other cadets - or rather freshly made Rangers - nodded along. They all looked very concerned, which Jake had so far chalked up to Suresh’s funeral having been only yesterday. 

“Why?” He asked, a little taken aback by their request. Nate had seemed okay the last time Jake had seen him. But even for him it was hard to know how Nate was feeling most of the time since he was so closed off.

“We’re concerned about him”, Renata answered. “After what happened…”

“We don’t think he should be alone”, Ilya finished for her, his voice cracking on the last word. Meilin put a hand on his shoulder and Ryoichi wrapped his arm around Ilya’s waist in support. 

Jake was glad to see them look out for each other. He knew it was hard to lose a drift partner, but to have them die, especially when you were still connected when it happened...that had to be infinitely worse.

“You’re his drift partner. You need to take care of him, of each other.” Vik looked straight at him when she said it and it sounded more like a command than a recommendation.

“Okay”, Jake raised his eyebrows a little. It surprised him that the kids would be concerned about Nate, considering that he wasn’t exactly emotionally available. But then again Nate considered everyone in the Jaeger Corps as part of his family, so maybe it shouldn’t surprise him that the kids thought of him as part of their family as well. Especially since he had apparently saved Vik’s and Jinhai’s lives a couple months ago.

“What she means is that you’re the closest to Ranger Lambert”, Jinhai said more diplomatically. Vik glared at him and said something in Russian, which Jinhai ignored. “And after everything that happened lately, we think he needs someone to talk to.”

Jake was tempted to ask them if they had ever actually tried to make Nate talk about his feelings. Winning the war against the Precursors was probably easier. But he was Nate’s drift partner, so he probably had a better chance than most except for Jules.

The kids were looking at him with big, trustful eyes and Jake realised that he should probably agree to their request. “I’ll talk to Nate”, he said. “He’ll be happy to hear that you’re all concerned about him.”

“Thank you, sir”, Renata said with a smile.

“It means a lot to us, sir”, Jinhai added. 

“He’s family to us”, Vik said as well and the rest of the kids nodded along with her. Nate had to have left a hell of an impression on the kids while he had been training them, Jake thought.

“I know what that feels like”, he assured them. “Do you know where I can find him?”

They shook their heads. “Lieutenant Reyes might know, sir”, Renata said. “She’s in Loccent.”

Well, it wasn’t as if Jake had had any particular plans for today anyway, he might as well chase down Nate to assure the kids that he was as alive and well as possible under the circumstances.

/

Nate, Jake was told by Jules, had left the shatterdome for today. She had looked as concerned as the kids had. Apparently just taking off without telling anyone where he was going was highly unlikely for Nate.

But Jake had been in his mind, was still in his mind thanks to the abrupt end of their last drift. He knew where Nate was going when he wanted to hide from everyone else. Usually Jake would’ve respected his desire for privacy but considering how concerned the kids and Jules were, hell even Doctor Gottlieb had looked concerned when Jake had talked with Jules, he would check on him just to be sure.

Nate had already been a loner when they had been cadets, scared to let anyone close. And both of his drift partners leaving had turned him into an uncommunicative, emotionally closed-up, particularly prickly hedgehog of a man. Not that he was holding something back in the drift but his memories always seemed kind of empty and flat as if they had been detached from any and all emotions.

Now that he was thinking about it, that was concerning. Jake had heard about the other two extremes, low drift stability because one or both the pilots was something back; or chasing the rabbit and ending up in a highly emotional memory but nothing that would explain the state of Nate’s drift.

It hadn’t been like they when they had drifted back as cadets, Jake could remember that. Drifting with Nate had been, well, he couldn’t really describe it. He had drifted with Mako once, but they hadn’t been compatible, which had hurt. And Nate had had six failed drift partners before trying with Jake. He had cried from relief when their connection had stabilized, Jake remembered that. Back then they had been able to sink into each other so easily it was as if they had always been one person. Compared to that Sydney had felt like a slap to the face and even Siberia and Tokyo hadn’t been the same. 

Partially of course because he and Nate were not the same people as they had been eleven years ago.

Nate’s hiding place was a hard to reach cliff on the east coast of Moyulan. Jake was not into free climbing at all and was cursing everyone from the kids to Nate to Mako for putting him in this situation. 

His arms hurt, his hands were bleeding, he had torn his trousers and almost fallen into the sea by the time he made it to the top. Nate was standing a couple feet away looking like a poster boy for a sad 90’s romance. Jake could appreciate the wind-swept look until he realised that Nate wasn’t just standing dramatically at the edge of a cliff. He was moving as if he was fighting someone else or rather with someone else. Someone only he could see. 

It was both beautiful and unsettling and when Jake called his name Nate didn’t even seem to hear him. 

“Nate”, Jake came closer and touched his shoulder.

Nate startled, almost jumping out of his skin by the looks of it. “Jake”, he said, a little out of breath. “What are you doing here?”

“The kids were worried about you and told me to look for you”, Jake replied. It was pretty cold up here, exposed to the wind and the occasional light spray of water from the waves below, despite it being a sunny day. Nate’s face was already showing the beginnings of a sunburn and Jake wondered how long he had been up here already.

“Thanks, but I’m fine”, Nate answered. 

Jake rolled his eyes. “Just like you were ‘fine’ after Tokyo, right?” Nate had nearly died from shock and blood loss after he had worsened his injuries by searching for and punching Geizler.

Nate’s lips thinned. “That was something different. I am not injured.”

“Look, I climbed this rock and I’m not going anywhere. It’s not just the kids that were concerned. Jules looked like she wanted to wrap you in a blanket and feed you soup. Hell, even Gottlieb said I should find you sooner rather than later.”

“You can tell them that I’m touched by their concern but I’m fine.”

“You know the more you insist you’re fine the less I believe you”, Jake replied. “You do remember I’m English, right? I know how the whole stiff upper lip thing works.”

Nate scoffed. “I’ll be back at the shatterdome tonight, Jake. You can tell the others that you talked with me and that there’s no need to be worried.”

But Jake wasn’t going to give up this easily. “I know you trained Suresh but - “Suddenly Jake realised that this was not about Suresh at all “- this is about something else.”

“Joe didn’t make it.” Nate pressed his lips together and looked like he was close to crying. 

Jake could ‘ve hit himself for not figuring this out sooner. 

“I don’t...I thought we would have more time. I didn't speak to him since he left. No”, Nate corrected himself, “I didn’t speak to him since I found out he was leaving me.”

“I thought Mako and I would have more time, too”, Jake offered. It still hurt to talk about Mako, hurt to even think about her. Just when they had been reunited she had been taken from him like their father had been taken from him before they had been able to reconcile.

“She always wanted to talk and I always brushed her off because I didn’t understand. You weren’t gone like Raleigh was gone and I didn’t believe talking about it would help either her or me. But there weren’t many people left who had lost a drift partner.” Nate shook his head. “I never understood anything.”

“You were hurting”, Jake said, reaching for Nate’s hand and holding onto it tightly. “We all grieve differently.”

Nate turned his head and looked at him. “How did you do it?”

“Alcohol”, Jake said lightly but it was the truth. “More alcohol, parties, a dangerous lifestyle as smuggler…” he trailed off with a shrug. “Nothing truly lived up to drifting but that was what I had.”

“And now? Mako…”

“I don’t think I’ve even started grieving for Mako yet”, Jake said. If he was expecting Nate to open up to him he should do the same. “I wanted to avenge her first. It’s strange, I spent eleven years barely seeing her, but I knew she was there, I knew she was alive. Now she’s gone and I can’t bring myself to really believe it. As if she’s still just one disapproving holo call away.”

“I miss her”, Nate said quietly. “I miss your father, too. I owed him so much, I looked up to him so much that I was never even angry with him for dismissing you. I only blamed us.”

For Jake it had been the other way around. “You know, I’ve never forgiven my father for kicking me out. I only enlisted because of him in the first place. And what I did was stupid, but he should’ve given me a second chance. I wouldn’t have done it again and he should’ve known that.” 

“When did your father ever give anyone a second chance?”

“He gave one to you. He gave one to Raleigh. Hell, from what she told me, he gave one to Mako in Hong Kong as well. Everyone but me.”

“To be fair what you did was incredibly stupid.”

“Yeah, but…” Jake shook his head. “I feel there should have been something else he could’ve done. It felt as if he had always known I would disappoint him, so when I did, he wasn’t even surprised. He wasn’t even angry. He looked at me and just told me that I was dismissed from the program immediately. That was it.”

“You almost killed yourself trying to solo-pilot”, Nate pointed out.

“You almost killed yourself in Tokyo”, Jake shot back with a small smile. “You don’t see me dismissing you from the PPDC.”

Nate gave him a look that was equal parts fondness and exasperation. “I outrank you.”

“Okay, you don’t see me getting Jules to fire you”, Jake joked. It was good to be able to talk with Nate again. When they had been cadets it had often seemed as if they didn’t need words to understand each other. But they needed to get know each other again before they could be like that again.

“I outrank her, too.”

“Okay, okay, Ranger Unfireable, I get your point”, Jake laughed and playfully hit Nate’s chest with his free hand. It felt good to see Nate smile again, if only for a moment. They stood there in silence, their hands still linked until Jake eventually asked, “How long did you and Burke drift together?”

“Six years”, Nate replied and if someone had given Jake a pen he could’ve drawn exactly where Nate’s mask was starting to crack. “Mako found him. She told me that at least one of us should be able to drift.”

A part of Jake was envious that Nate had gotten to spend at least some of the last eleven years with Mako when Jake hadn’t. But then again he only had himself to blame for that. Especially after their father’s death Mako would’ve welcomed back at any time. And if he was being honest with himself his father would’ve let him come back, too, if not to the PPDC then at least to their family.

“When I asked her why she wasn’t looking for a new drift partner herself, she told me that she would never be able to find again what she had shared with Raleigh.”

“Did you ever meet him?” Jake asked. Raleigh had had already left the Jager Corps by the time he had enlisted.

Nate nodded. “Once. He was...he and Mako were like us...seeing them together reminded me more of what I had lost when you left than any other pilot pair. That was when I agreed to let her find me another drift partner.”

“You didn’t want that before?” Jake asked, surprised because Nate lived for the PPDC, already had when they had been cadets. 

Nate shrugged self-consciously. “I had had six failed drift partners before I met you, Jake. I didn’t think it was possible to find another one. And without your father I don’t think I would’ve.” 

When Jake tilted his questioningly, Nate continued. “After you were dismissed… he knew I would most likely never find anyone else. After all he had kept me in the program even though he should’ve dismissed me after five failed partners. So he tried to teach me how to bring nothing of myself into the drift. Unlike him I never mastered it, but without it I most likely wouldn’t have been able to drift with Joe.”

“So that’s why your memories feel like a bunch of meaningless black and white photographs in the Drift”, Jake said. “And what you did earlier, when I climbed up here, was that…?”

Nate shook his head. “Mako taught me that a couple months ago. After Raleigh died, she looked for him in the drift, in what was left of him inside her. She thought it might be useful for me after Joe left.” Nate took a deep, shuddering breath that sounded like the first gasp someone took after nearly drowning. Jake squeezed his hand and Nate gave him a teary smile. 

“I found out through the drift”, Nate continued after a moment. “He didn’t tell me and afterwards I didn’t let him explain. There was nothing to explain. And now he’s gone and I’m still...I’m still angry with him.”

“That’s normal”, Jake said, having had some experience with it himself. A part of him was still angry at his father, too, hell another part him was angry at Mako for dragging him back into this. It wasn’t as if he had been unhappy with his life. “Letting you find out through the drift that he was leaving was a dick move.”

“First you, then Joe, I... what’s wrong with me?”

Jake pulled Nate into a hug. It was a little awkward because Nate was half a head taller than him. But then Nate buried his face in the hollow of Jake’s throat and suddenly it was easier to hold him as he felt the first sob wreck through Nate’s body.

“Hey, I came back”, Jake said into his ear when Nate seemed to have calmed down a little.

Nate pulled away from him. “But not because you wanted to.”

“Fair enough, but I’m staying because I want to. Not to avenge Mako or anything like that. A part of me did miss this.” Did miss you, he almost said but then swallowed the words down again. It would be too much, too soon.

“I know I said never it”, Nate said. “But I’m glad you’re back.”

“I’m mostly glad to be back, too”, Jake smiled.

“Mostly?”

“I did live in a beach villa”, Jake pointed out. “Even had my own pool and everything.”

“I could toss you into the ocean every now and then”, Nate offered with a grin.

“I’ll pass”, Jake laughed. He felt Nate looking at him with a slow, warm smile on his face and found that he couldn’t look away either and neither did he want to. Rebuilding his relationship with Nate wouldn’t be easy but now Jake knew that it would be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
